Growing up and stay young
almost January again.
I just don’t wanna end up hating everybody.
Oh Gosh why I didn’t realize it?!
I’ve been or we’ve been thinking that SM didn’t pay a good attention on F(x). But now I think they did. It’s about strategy.
They (might) want to promote F(x) as well as they did for SNSD but SNSD was too strong. The girls seemed unbeatable. So, no chance for F(x). You can’t be on top if the one on the top is too strong. Except you kill it. And I think this is what SM is doing right now for F(x).
As a human, I was given a freedom to have faith, to decide the way I seek for it, and to live it. My way could be different than a lot of people, but that’s what I call freedom.
I don’t have to go the church every Sunday, I don’t have to pray 5 times a day, I don’t have to go the temple or monastery if I think I don’t need to - if I think there’s another way to seek the faith. If God - or whatever you call it - could be found in another way (like in social life), then why not? That’s enough for me.
I don’t need to be judged but I’m living in judgmental society. So I question my freedom about this.
Everybody has their own special place(s) for their life. And so do I.
Some places I put my memories on still exist and some have gone because they changed. The ground is still there but what stands on it is different.
I will say that I grew up with nature. Mud, river, trees, grass were more familiar for me - that’s why I never enjoy PlayStation…properly. I spent most of my childhood times outside, right under the sky. I felt so free at the time.
One time, when I was 5, my friends took me somewhere not too far from home. We went to a Chinese cemetery up on a small hill so we had to climb up a little bit. We walked around before they showed me a huge grassland behind the tombstones. I went there several times ever since and always loved it.
The grassland was kind of place you can lay down, enjoy the wind and warm sun, have some crazy fantasies about what shapes the clouds could form - about future, or at least have a chit chat with your fellas with some cute snacks. The grassland was more interesting with reeds and those touch-me-not-s. At one corner, the soil was white because it was clay and it would form a small lake after raining.
Not so many people came there at the time and it made us think that we owned it.
Time flew by and I don’t even remember where the last time I visited that place until this morning. I was a little bit surprised when I got there because it was… not the same anymore.
It was dirty, wild plants everywhere. I was alone and afraid of a snake might come out.
For a second I thought I was lost but I decided to go ahead and finally found what I’d been searching for.
A lot of things changed, mostly the feeling. Maybe because I’m no longer 5 years old girl, maybe because I went there alone, maybe because I had less fantasies of life now than when I was younger. But maybe it also because some people built housing estate nearby, maybe because of the no-more-fresh-air in the morning, maybe just because of us created it so.
I have to admit I was a little disappointed. But then I realized that time changed everything - me and surroundings. Or it’s us who changed ourselves and surroundings? The last one makes more sense.
March 2, 2014